In some ways, it seems like only yesterday that Steve passed away, at other times it feels like a lifetime ago.

To mark the 2 year anniversary this year I planned a journey to Azerbaijan to visit my son, Ryan. He wanted me to have a special treat, so we drove for 4 hours up into the mountains to a ski resort called Shahdag. When we arrived at the Pik Palace late at night, it was dark, it was also the eve of the anniversary of Steve’s passing.

The next morning the sky was grey, there was snow in the air, and a strange fog like mist swirled around the resort. Perhaps the right atmosphere for such a day.

Anniversaries can be full of joy or pain, depending on the occasion. But as this day wore on I could feel my sadness growing. I went for a walk. Ryan was skiing, I was so pleased that he was doing something he loved.

I crunched through the snow, then the snow started to gently fall. I decided to record a video clip, but as I began to speak I could feel my voice wavering, “I miss you Steve Marsden, I love you Steve”.

That was it, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I was overwhelmed. By the time I got into the lift my face was wet with tears. Back in the safety of my own room, I sobbed and sobbed. How is it possible that Steve is no longer with me, a man so strong so full of life so full of kindness and compassion?

When Ryan got back from skiing, he called me. I told him I was feeling sad. Without hesitation he came straight into my room, we had adjoining doors and gave me the biggest and strongest hug ever.

He suggested I get a massage, at first I didn’t want to but decided taking action is always best in these circumstances. I arranged a reflexology session which turned into a full leg massage. I booked a male masseur and found his touch soothing and relaxing.

I was glad I made the effort. On this day we celebrated Ryan’s birthday too, eating pizza and drinking cocktails. By 10.00 pm we were back in the hotel, what a roller coaster of a day.

The next morning I woke up to sunlight shining through a gap in the heavy curtains, I pulled back the drapes and was blown away by the mountains covered in glinting snow with the bluest sky backdrop. What a difference a day makes, it was as if the mountains were showing me that change is inevitable.

This day was bright and full of promise. Ryan had the best skiing experience ever that morning. I walked through trees heavy with snow and as the bright sun shone down on these trees clumps of falling snow fell all around me, it was magical.

I’m back from Azerbaijan now, I’ve started a new job but I hope to have many more adventures to write about.

#MyPrelovedLife : 12/3/19