Friday was Valentine’s Day so I decided to buy myself some roses, 12 red roses, in fact. A young male cashier served me and with a quizzical expression on his face he said, “Roses?” Yes, I said they’re for me! He couldn’t mask his surprise, I had wanted to tell him they were for the person I loved the most, me! But I wasn’t sure how he’d react to that. It’s not something you normally hear people say.

Continuing with my Valentine-themed weekend I decorated my living room bay window with paper hearts that reflected the light and because they were made from super thin paper, the slightest air current spun the hearts around in a hypnotic way. I think I’ll keep these hearts in my window for now, they remind me of the love I’ve had and the love I still have to give.

This leads to a rather sensitive topic, dating. For the last 3 years, going out on dates has not been high on my list. But I’ve decided to change that, partly in response to my decision to keep writing this blog and in the name of research. How pretentious I feel calling it research!

I believe that thoughts become things and have been an avid reader of Notes from the Universe for 10 + years. I’m so grateful to Mike Dooley for creating those marvellous notes. I remember sitting on a bus with Mike going to Macchu Pichu last year. I told him I wasn't sure what I should do next. "Simple," he said, " be of service to others". Another reason to continue writing. I hope that my words will touch others.

Anyway back to dating. Once I decided to date, the opportunities appeared. Over Valentine's weekend, I went out to lunch on Saturday and Sunday with 2 different men. Their names have been altered to protect their identities.

Angus was a close friend of a friend, we’d been out as a group once or twice but never just the two of us. We had a good lunch over a glass of wine and then we went to the Ed Sheeran exhibition at Christchurch Mansion. I’ve been out to lunch with men before but always in the context of business, so I was acutely aware of how different this felt, no agenda, just a getting to know each other better. Lunch with a man is also completely different to lunch with a girlfriend, a kind of sexual energy hovers in the air. The conversation is like a dance, a few moments of silence where you wonder if you’ll have anything more to talk about and then onto the next topic. We had plenty to talk about, we got along just fine with Angus offering to cook dinner for me next time!

If you’re wondering why am I writing about a lunch date, for me it’s a huge deal. I married my childhood sweetheart and completely missed out on the whole dating scene. It's like I'm studying a new craft that needs practice. So when I had lunch with Simon the next day I didn't feel quite so unprepared. I’d known Simon for about a year and we have a client therapist relationship which is important to me. I do wonder if stepping outside the boundaries will change our existing relationship.

Lunch was at a different restaurant this time and the conversation centred on one topic, I guess you can imagine what we discussed, I’m not comfortable writing about that here but one day I might be able to explain more. Time went sailing by and lunch was followed by a movie, Parasite, the latest Oscar-winning Best Foreign Film. I discovered that Simon loves films and has an Unlimited Card. He was in his element at Cineworld, he bought the biggest box of popcorn imaginable, a Slush smoothie (I had a bottle of water) and we shared American sweets. Again it was a lovely afternoon, he dropped me home, I wanted to invite him in but something inside me said, No, don't get too close. I like to think I’m spontaneous, I take chances that come my way but this whole love relationship thing is way beyond my comprehension, at least that's how it feels right now.

Perhaps I’m overthinking and I need to lighten up. This quote, apparently by Mark Twain seems appropriate for me right now.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

I have another date on Thursday, all I can say is it could be a roller coaster ride with Malcolm.

#MyPrelovedLife : 17/2/20